In the name of Allah the Most Gracious, the Most
Merciful.
It's the night of Rabi'ul thaniy the 29th and Sunday, the 2nd of March of the years 1435 and 2014.
I write with hope that I pass across a message with
Allah's permission and guidance; to draw the attention of (we)
youths, to a problem many seem to be facing in their marital homes.
For one unmarried such as myself, It takes a good deal of courage to
talk or write about such an issue.
Firstly, just thinking of the alarming increasing
divorce rates makes me almost gamophobic. Certainly there are many
successful, happy marriages as there are unsuccessful, traumatic
ones. I cannot help but find myself in awe, every time I remember the
strength and solidity of our parent's marriages over a long duration
of time. They too have undoubtedly faced challenges and bad times,
but still strived to hold their marriages together. Have we ever
stopped to wonder what has really kept them together?
I have come across many (forgive my choice of word)
pathetic stories of numerous young married couples, which often leave
me devastated. Marriages that last for only a third the time of the
courtship, or tales of husbands who 'love' their wives yet beat them
mercilessly over the most insignificant things. Stories like these
are as disheartening as they are real.The major problems (in my opinion) are from within us
and should be tackled by none other than ourselves. Even though I
have never been married, which makes me seemingly not in the best
position to talk about this, I believe I have had encounters with
married couples (and to be sincere, a lot of this has to do with
common sense anyway). So I believe I could give one or two advices
from the little I've observed.
The most sensitive of all issues, is our lack of
honesty or better yet, our ''fake-ness''. This is something that has
affected a lot of young marriages. It begins from the early stage of
courtship where both the two lovers do not present themselves as who
they really are. What do you think would be the fate of a marriage
built on lies and deceit, even if subconsciously unintended?
We forget that marriage is a contract; 'till death do
us part'. If you hide your 'true colour' during the courtship, it is
rather impossible to hide it from someone you will live with for the
rest of your life. Frankly speaking, when I see cute unmarried
couples these days and feel elated, the next thought that pops to my
mind is; 'wait till you see them married'. Some lovers when courting
seem like they would never be involved in any dispute between
themselves. But seeing them married paints a totally different
picture.
Secondly, this is something that more or less has to do
with religion. It is how we relate as unmarried couples. Often, we
cross our boundaries in the name of 'dating'. We exhibit certain acts
even though we know that they are religiously and culturally frowned
upon. Most times when people behave immorally as unmarried couples
and yet feel comfortable with it, I begin to feel that we have
really, sadly gotten to a point where our minds don't register the
wrong we do as "wrong". I really do not expect a man to
have any respect whatsoever for a woman who chooses to be morally
deficient, especially so openly and without remorse. And what many
women are yet to understand fully is that every man, no matter how
indecent he tends to be, wants a decent woman as the mother of his
children.
Marriage is prone to having compromises, you should
know what your spouse likes beyond his/her favourite colour. It is
imperative that you sit down and discuss very crucial matters like
whether or not the wife would work, how many kids you would like to
have and when, and even some apparently trivial ones like who gets to
take out the trash. We often take conversations like these for
granted because we believe we love each other so much we tend to
forget that these factors can and could hinder the successes of our
marriages.
Lastly, the average today's youth knows very little
about the actual concept of marriage, or has some sort of delusional
and superficial idea of what marriage really is. Some of us think
marriage is all about having romantic candle lit dinners, cuddling
and whatnot. Yes, these are constituents of marriage as well, but any
and every sane person should know that, that is not all marriage is
about. Marriage is way beyond that. Some think of superfluous wedding
ceremonies the moment marriage is mentioned, forgetting that marriage
is ideally for a life time. Here's a scenario: What about the moments
when your spouse disagrees with you on something? Or those times you
would get angry at your spouse over the silliest of things like using
the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or not closing the toilet
seat lid. To situations where your spouse does not notice a kind
gesture you tried to exhibit or things like that. What happens then?
Would you just up and say I do not want to be in this marriage any
longer? We need to remember that marriage entails all that and much
more than you can even begin to imagine!
Even though Islam has set out a map for us in guiding
us on how to live with our spouses, we'll surely come across bad
times which is in fact very natural. I am sure there are so many
other moments in marriages which I am certain I do not even know
about since I am not married yet. But I'll always agree with the
Hausa saying ''Ba auren ba, zaman auren'' (which literally
means; Its not getting into marriage, it is surviving the marriage).
One needs to be fit for marriage not just in terms of age but thought
(thinking) as well. Marriage is far from what is depicted in romantic
movies. If you would agree with me, no marriage is perfect. What
makes it perfect in a sense, is the ability to endure.
I really hope this piece helps us in curbing and
preventing disastrous marriages. We should also remember that Allah
says in the Qur'an "Women impure are for men impure and men
impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity
and men of purity are for women of purity; such are innocent of that
which people say: for them is pardon and a bountiful provision."
-(Surah An Nur 24:26).
May Allah make us among the men and women of purity.
May He grant us the ability to stay truthful and honest
in our marriages, and may He grant us the Sabr (patience)
to face the hardships that will come our way.
May He grant us
loving and caring spouses as well as blissful marriages, and may He
also make us loving and caring to our spouses.
Ameen.
